Sunday, February 9, 2014

Strong and Stronger

Tomorrow marks five months.

Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday when my mom would sit in my room on her iPad and I would be sitting next to her on my computer. And sometimes it feels like it was years ago that this happened.

It's so hard to wrap my mind around the fact that she's gone. It hasn't gotten any easier, besides the fact that I distract myself with school and music and friends. But when I'm alone in my room, I'm haunted by the fact that I have to spend the rest of my life without her.

My mom was the one best friend I thought I would have forever; one who would be on my side no matter what and defend me even if I was wrong. Nothing hurts me more and nothing makes me feel more alone than to think about the fact that I no longer have that.

Most people tell me to stay strong and I try by keeping a smile on my face and trying to convince myself everything will be ok...but to my disappointment, it's not as easy to do than it is to say. Everything I do, everything I see, and everywhere I go reminds me of her. We've shared so many memories and yet they will never be enough.

...But when I am weak, I think about the fact that I have been so blessed to be surrounded by such amazing people who have been holding me up and gluing me back together. I am so blessed to have friends who I can call when I'm bawling my eyes out because I walked into a McDonald's and remembered where me and my mom used to sit and eat french fries. I am so blessed to be on the amazing career path that I am on now, thanks to my mom. I am so blessed to have even had a mom, nonetheless, a mom like her...a mom who worked hard for me, supported me, cared about me, and most important of all, loved me like no other.

I am not strong...yet. But I am stronger than I was before.

I love you, mami.