Sunday, February 9, 2014

Strong and Stronger

Tomorrow marks five months.

Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday when my mom would sit in my room on her iPad and I would be sitting next to her on my computer. And sometimes it feels like it was years ago that this happened.

It's so hard to wrap my mind around the fact that she's gone. It hasn't gotten any easier, besides the fact that I distract myself with school and music and friends. But when I'm alone in my room, I'm haunted by the fact that I have to spend the rest of my life without her.

My mom was the one best friend I thought I would have forever; one who would be on my side no matter what and defend me even if I was wrong. Nothing hurts me more and nothing makes me feel more alone than to think about the fact that I no longer have that.

Most people tell me to stay strong and I try by keeping a smile on my face and trying to convince myself everything will be ok...but to my disappointment, it's not as easy to do than it is to say. Everything I do, everything I see, and everywhere I go reminds me of her. We've shared so many memories and yet they will never be enough.

...But when I am weak, I think about the fact that I have been so blessed to be surrounded by such amazing people who have been holding me up and gluing me back together. I am so blessed to have friends who I can call when I'm bawling my eyes out because I walked into a McDonald's and remembered where me and my mom used to sit and eat french fries. I am so blessed to be on the amazing career path that I am on now, thanks to my mom. I am so blessed to have even had a mom, nonetheless, a mom like her...a mom who worked hard for me, supported me, cared about me, and most important of all, loved me like no other.

I am not strong...yet. But I am stronger than I was before.

I love you, mami.

1 comment:

  1. Meeghan, I am sitting here all welled up, with the tears spilling out of my eyes and running down my cheeks. You have such a gift, such an eloquent way of expressing yourself in written words. Don't ever lose that, sweetheart. I relate so much to all you have said, but from the other standpoint of being the parent, who lost their child. As you know. I too, go places, see things, hear songs, eat foods, take walks and even picking up Matthew now, from school, reminds me all the time of my son Brady, who passed away 6 years, 3 months and 27 days ago now. He, like your mom, was an amazing human being. I wish you could have met him. You two have so much in common, with your love of music, the arts and people. Both of you, so compassionate and always there for all of your friends and family, no matter what. Now, it is you and I who need someone to be there, for us, to let us vent, let us cry and hold us up when "those moments" come. They still come for me, even though as you have said, I smile, I show a strong facade and I go on with my life. It's hard and yes, there are times when the sadness subsides and for a fleeting moment, I lose myself in other thoughts. But, for the most part, I relate most everything I do, on a daily basis to what I'd have said, or done, to tell Brady about something, or give him some support and advise and tell him every day, no matter what... that I loved him, unconditionally. Thank GOD, we had that between us and such a good repoire. Never forget that as well, that you and your mom, as you have said were best friends. That is a blessing and one that GOD granted you and she and you will always have that in your heart. Yes. Oh GOD YES... it is so hard and I feel your anguish and loss, so much so. I just want to hold on to you and hug you and cry with you and then tell you.... "it will be OK... never, ever forget, but make her proud, as I have tried to make my son proud, in his honor". You will make an impact on so many people in your lifetime, Meeghan and a GOOD one too. That is something you can thank your mom for, I'm sure you know and will always do her honorably, until the day you meet again in HIS home. Try, as you may, to be strong as you say... but know that when those "moments of shear loss and sorrow" surround you, I am here, I am sharing them, in my own way too..... and I will never fail you, if you need me, for any reason whatsoever. It is my journey now. To understand, to show compassion, to have learned to love all of my fellow human beings, before all else because life is so fragile and we are all so vulnerable that I do not want to ever be "called home", regretting what I could've done better, for my family, friends and yes, even my fellow human beings on this earth. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, as difficult as it may be sometimes, but there is a plan for us all and we all have a 'duty' while we're here on this earth. Realize yours, grasp it and then with passion, perform it and be proud in doing so, doing good for those who come in contact with you, because you have learned, at a high cost, what is truly important in our lives....... LOVE FOR ONE ANOTHER ALWAYS.... With much love... Russ Neibert (your "Godfather" ;) )